190 Days waiting

I can't believe it. it's been 190 Days since we accepted our two children's referrals. 190 Days! Wow, time has gone by fast when I look at it that way but seems to creep by on the day to day level. I have to admit I have been very discouraged in this final leg of the process. Nothing is happening like I had thought it should.

In my world the kids would have a court date and be home before Christmas, but that is not what God has in store. I know his plans are perfect. But sometimes I just wonder why??

Why do these two kids have to be there and not here with us? Why does a 13-15 yr old young man have to go another day without a father figure to love and guide him? Why does a tiny toddler have to be afraid of strangers and not have someone singing to her and holding her at night?

I do not have any answers to these questions. And that makes me very sad. I have let the fear take over me at times. Not fear of when the kids get here but more like what if they never get here? What if I can't make all of those parenting mistakes you dred about as a Mom?? I know I'll make mistakes I mean biological or not doesn't matter I am not perfect just ask my kids and husband:)

I know fear is not from our Father. I know this but yet sometimes it doesn't matter that I know. It's like knowing the pan in the oven is hot yet still grabbing for it anyway. Like we all haven't done that at least once. But something that simple has an immediate reaction to physical pain and you stop or remember it the next time you are grabbing for it.

Fear has no reaction accept more fear. The What ifs are the reason I fear. Funny thing is Life is full of them but I can only focus on the kids right now. There are so many other things I could fear but don't. Because this is where my heart is 7,000 miles away yet still here with me. It's a heart torn down the middle two places at once. I give my family here my all(as much as I can on any given day) and at night I lay awake thinking of my other kids. Praying, hoping, longing for them to be here. I pray for the day my whole family will be here and my heart not torn in two.

I just need prayers for peace and understanding, and even more faith that this is all for something to honor God. I feel I have let Him down like I should be able to have all of the Faith I need for this but I stumble and fall daily it seems my prayers have become the same everyday.

Patience grasshopper. Wow how two words can define months of what I have been feeling.

Patience.. Peace... Faith...

Sorry for the rant just having one of those moments. One on those Human emotional things I hate about me.

I never knew it was going to be this hard!